May 28th. The day denial left and reality set in….

This isn’t something I’ve made public but here goes….Having a traumatic brain injury with a bleed on my brain has changed my life. I’m not the person I used to be anymore. It’s a weird feeling because he’s still in there but can’t come out. The terrible headaches, the stuttering, not remembering things from days before, not being completely devoted to your children/family, having problems others smirk at or think are easy. Not being able to go out and spending time with your family from fear, Paranoia and anxiety. Friends, places, I can’t visit and people I can’t travel to see.. now having post seizures that have taken me from driving or being able to operate my truck or even my lawn mower to do yard work. Having to have someone take me here or there is embarassing. Having to go to therapy and rehab 3 times a week to help me be able to talk and function to get through everyday life is hard. Not the man I used to be and I feel I cant be the role model I need to be for my kids, I’m not me and I hate it. No matter how hard i try I’m not the same. People look and hear the stutter and see the struggle in public and I don’t like it. This is who I am now and I can’t accept it. Never being able to sleep because of terrible nightmares and headaches. Not being able to read things or watch t.v. or be at active busy places, because my brain tries to take everything in at once because of sensory overload… All the medicine that makes me feel bad and good but then like a zombie or someone I’m not. Everything looks okay on the outside but inside me is a hurricane and tornado of confusion and I can’t pick apart the details of everyday life. I’ve been diagnosed with a lot of medical issues since the bleed in my brain,(in the pons of my brain), from my fall. It doesn’t mean I can’t live a normal life but it does mean things are more difficult for me to process and simple task for you are a mountain to climb for me. If you know someone with a traumatic brain injury, your life will change as drastic as there’s has. I thank God for my wife, family and friends that are my support and they have literally adjusted their lives to cope with the fact that I’m different and are patient with me. The hardest part is having to look in the mirror each day and accept this new person you are when you know this isn’t who you are and the real you is desperately scratching, crawling and crying to get out but is chained down inside of you and can’t get out. The confussion, depression, the anxiety, the pain, the seclusion from life, is your new norm. I’ve still got a ways to go but there are a lot of people I owe everything to for helping me get back to this person I am now, even if it may seem like a handicap to you. I may be different and I may stand out and draw attention to myself because of problems but I’m still human and i still have feelings and I hurt from your stares and mumbling under your breathe. Nobody is perfect. There was only one that walked this earth that was perfect and he isn’t any of you. Not being able to play music and sing without having to concentrate so hard on what I’m doing is awful. My therapist are my hero’s and I thank God for them at “Learning Services” in Raleigh N.C. I’m just trying to tell all of you, that we ,with a mental handicap or cognitive impairment, are still human and have the same emotions and feelings you do. We struggle everyday with simple task…….. help your brother or sister in this world. We aren’t but so different and everybody needs help in life, some more than others… goodnight and sleep good while me and others with TBI struggle to get a couple hours of sleep and get through everyday life that many take for granted….

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