I’m going to forewarn you now, this is going to be lengthy but I strongly feel needs to be shared. Not just for me but maybe for someone out there right now in their life’s struggle..if I’m going through it maybe someone else is and it’ll help them as much as it has helped me by sitting down and writing it tonight..Maybe they’ll say “hey I’m not alone. This guy gets me. He’s living through his Traumatic Brain Injury and diagnosed with the same problems and issues I have and he’s making progress.” So there’s hope.
I’m going to get through this! I don’t know how long it will take, I know I’ll never be the same person I once was, BUT I’m slowly ACCEPTING this new me. Hey, what is normal anyway right?
From this moment on, everyday will be a new day. I will have a goal to strive towards for the assurance and completeness, that this new me did the best he could on any given day to take a positive step forward. Try to come to the realization that it’s not a curse and say I’ve been spared for a purpose. However, I do have a valley of Mountain sized obstacles in front of me. Can I stand here in this flat valley and gaze upon the gigantic mountains in front of me and say this is impossible! Yes I can. BUT what and where will that get me? Absolutely no-where. But the drive, courage and motivation to conquer these task are overshadowed by the fear, anxiety, paranoia, the pain, the severe depression, the headaches and seizures, the never ending medications and Dr visits. NNNOOOOO!!!!!!! I refuse to any longer be a prisoner bound by chains and shackles, locked in a cell within my own body and mind. It’s time to grab my gear, get what I need for this quest… but I don’t know what I need and I’m scared? NO, no more excuses. Grab what youbthunk you might need and get to it. Lace up your shoes, tighten your gear to your back and go. Now you’re standing at the base of that first mountain and looking up! Oh man, I can’t see the top of the mountain! Then pick one foot up off the base of that mountain and stomp it down with authority on the side of the mountain. The first step to conquering this mountain has now started, keep going. But It was so hard just to do one foot..yes, believe me I know, I’m right there with you..but you did it! The first step is in the past, now it’s the present and you’re moving towards your future. Your other foot lifts and sets higher on the mountain. Then the other and the other..but wait I’m scared I don’t know what’s going to happen when I take my next step? Then stand there and take a break mentally and physically. It’s at our pace, not a timed set sprint. DON’T look up to see how much farther you still have to go and think about the struggle. Look back down the mountain. Look how far back your starting point was. Think of how far up the mountain you are now. You weren’t sure if you could even lift your foot up on to it. Confidently stare at the base of that mountain, that place where you were broken and terrified. It’s way behind you now. You’re now ready again. Pick your foot up and start climbing again. Keep climbing, keep climbing. But I’m tired now, I can’t make it. YES YOU CAN! You didn’t make it this far to lay down and give up! GET UP! Okay, I’m climbing, I don’t know what’s going to happen next but I’m still climbing. Faith overpowers the heartache, self doubt, depression, anxiety, the literal hell on earth that you crawled and scratched and pulled yourself through tobget this far is now behind you. STAND UP! Wipe the tears from your eyes and take in the view. YOU MADE IT! Look back down to the base of the mountain. That was where you were mentally and physically. Now look at the mountains in front of you. They’re both beautiful and terrifying at the same time. These are your new trials and obstacles that you MUST conquer. Well wait a minute, I’m comfortable here on this mountain I just conquered and I’m content with life now. Okay, that’s understandable but while you’re basking in the glory of what seemed like an impossible task, you don’t realize that the pain, depression, anxiety, paranoia, self doubt, hopelessness, feeling useless along with that dark cloud of gloom and despair are now climbing up that mountain you’re on and they’re coming after you hard! IT’S TIME TO MOVE, NOW! Gear up mentally and physically again and begin the quest of conquering the next mountain in this new life. You begin scaling this next mountain but something seems different. You’re not alone on this journey now and you realize it. The first mountain was for you and you alone to conquer and YOU DID! But this new mountain is harder than the first to scale and you stumble. Call out for help, NOW! We are all on this mountain together now. People are here to grab your outstretched hand and pull you back up onto your feet. The self consciousness and pride that held you back for asking for help is on the first mountain and you’ve conquered that, but it’s still coming after you fast. GET AWAY FROM IT! Holler for help if you have to. I promise you, no-one will cast judgment on you and someone will grab you just as you feel you’re about to go under again. Now you truly know you’re not alone on this journey. You have a partner, you’re both climbing this mountain now. Things you see them stumble on or with, you can be there voice and say hey, I’ve been where you are now. This is what I did to help me get through it and keep climbing. The same goes for them towards you. They see you struggling and say that didn’t work for me either but this did and it helped me get through it. Never are you alone in this terrifying journey. However, you do have to do the soul searching and realize your own self worth, and that you do matter. Step out on faith and begin again to put one foot in front of the other and conquer these mountain sized obstacles in your life. The further away you get from that first mountain the more stronger you’ll become. Is it or will it be easy? Absolutely not! Like many of you I had my own severe TBI along with a bleed on my brain’s pons. Present to this day, The headaches, the seizures, the memory loss and many other issues with a continuation of meds is the new norm for me now. Do I like it? No… Do I have to accept it? In some way YES….I’m still fairly fresh within the medical timeframe of getting my injury and recovery process… I’m tired of it and I’ve had enough. I refuse to curl up into a ball and allow this severe depression, fear, anxiety, social anxiety, seizures, paranoia, the stuttering and other issues I now have to define me! Our stories and injuries may be different but our goals are the same. We must make the most of this new life that we didn’t choose to have. Be able to tell someone one day, “yeah, it was the worst time in my life, BUT to see what I’ve come from to where I am now… and where I’m going to be in the future WILL BE BETTER…maybe a small glimpse into my road to recovery is enough to give a fellow TBI member or any person struggling the purpose to strive to conquer their new obstacles in life. Speak it aloud and tell yourself and others to hold on tight with me, lets get through this together, even if we go at our own separate pace. Let’s soar through this new life. NEVER SAY “I MADE IT” if you do this you’ve put a cap on yourself. This means you can’t go higher… always reach higher and work harder to better your self everyday!!! Say I DID IT!!