This post is going to start off in the depressed mood I’m coming out of. I cant help it or control it sometimes, but stay with me its going to finish good!
Some days I feel like I’m an inmate, in a cell, in a prison of my mind. A Ditch, a slump, a bad day, whatever you want to call it, it’s all the same. Normally, I’m all for posting positive things and how life is tough but you’ll get through it type stuff.
The past couple of days have been really hard on me emotionally, medically and physically.
I feel like I’ve become numb to myself. I’ve seen alot and I’ve been through a lot in my life that most would not be able to handle. I’m just ready for it to be done, but the sad part is, it’s lifelong.
It’s so frustrating and disheartening to wake up, (that is if I even go to sleep that night), but it’s disheartening to wake up in pain, confusion and in a completely different reality that you have to distinguish between if I’m still dreaming or am I really awake, as soon as I open my eyes.
To stand so calluse in front of the mirror and literally have to calm down the anger within myself that’s towards the person of whose refeclection is looking back at me… I just can’t explain it.
Countless times, in my mind, I’ve replayed my injury on that day. If you would’ve only done this, maybe, if you’d have stepped here instead of there, you wouldn’t have fallen. Yeah, I know, people say, “how were you supposed to have known though”.
I really LOVE it when I hear, “well look on the bright side, it could be a lot worse!” Yeah you’re right, believe me I know it, but that still doesn’t change the fact or reconcile the matter of what has happened to me and what I’m going through. I have serious problems, but it could be worse…. smh………..
Let me tell you right now, Depression, Anxiety and Paranoia are very real. To not know if that next step in life I take will lead to regret or a brighter day is a gamble now. I guess that’s the nature of the beast of life though isn’t it.
Even now, right now, while putting what I’m feeling into words, I’ve questioned should I post this? ………… Yes, I think I do. I think every new caretaker or new TBI victim needs to read this and see this and feel this from another TBI survivor, “what this guy is going through is similiar to what I am going through or as a caretaker to know that your patient or family member john doe or Jane doe, this is just like the way they are now.” It can’t be controlled, it can only be treated. It’s real and it’s not a game.
Now lets brighten it up some. These days aren’t forever, this is the only positive I can vouch for and convince myself of when I’m in this trough of despair.
PATIENCE with yourself is key. It’s okay to have days like these. You have to allow days like these in your current recovery state. The dangers of trying to suppress these feelings and not allow them to come out will consume you and the consequences will become an avalanche of emotions that will overtake you. You cannot harbour on these days though, there within lies the dangers of this medical condition.
I try to live the life I know I should as a Christian and the life I blog about. However, It emotionally upsets me when I feel I’m not “practicing” what I preach,(“so to speak”). I have to understand that,” IT’S NOT YOU LANCE, THESE ARE THE RESULTS AND COMPLICATIONS THAT GO HAND IN HAND WITH YOUR TRAUMATIC BRAIN INJURY. It’s not that your being negligent in life it’s medically supported for what and how your feeling.
Tomorrow is a new day, tomorrow is a fresh start.
Please don’t have any feelings of sorrow for me about this post or of the dark days right now in my life. Im going to be okay. They’re not forever, but when they’re here they do feel like an eternity to get through.
Take my situation to heart, apply it to your own life if you’re a caretaker and especially if you’re a TBI victim just starting out. It’s not forever and brighter days will come, I speak this from experience. It may not get easier but it does get better. Have Grace and Mercy for yourself and most importantly have LOVE for yourself.
We’re going to make it through this thing called life with this extra baggage on our backs. We may look like overloaded pack mules, but we are still moving ahead one step and one day at a time! Grace, Love and Mercy conquers all.
My wife doesn’t even know about this, but probably for the last 2 to 3 months I’ve done this everyday when I’m having my alone time after having my devotional. “If you feel it could help you, I want you to copy and paste it, print it out, save it, put it somewhere and read it to yourself out loud as a prayer or as a motivational statement everyday and believe it!” This is the saying I read out loud to myself everday.
“Lance, YOU ARE A CHILD OF GOD! You will soar above these storms of life one day, but right now, He’s having you to go through the full brunt of the storm. It’s not for you to know why, just go on Faith, He’s with You! Each day you become stronger, each day you fly faster and higher, each day you learn to use the storm to your favor to lift you above its turmoils! One day you will soar over the storm and look down at it beneath you and know, because with God Almighty, the Lamb that has overcome all, who is by your side, by His Hand and guidance you conquered it!”
You’re loved, you matter, you’re cared for.
Just hang on!