I don’t normally post articles when I’m like this. However, I want people to see the downside of the emotional roller coaster that some people with TBI suffer from. I’ve had a bad past week and a half.
I’m tired of it all. Recap, 15 months Post TBI, Pons-Brain Bleed and Front Temporal Lobe damage. But it’s going to be alright.
Daily life is now filled with Seizures, Hallucinations, Pain, Headaches, Doubled/Blurred vision, Optical nerve damage, Speech Problems, Memory problems, cognitive impairments, stress, anxiety, hypersensativity and brain over-stimulation, depression, Paranoia and don’t forget to mention the pleasure of having my drivers license TAKEN away due to these complications. My career was driving! Class A CDL’s with all the endorsements….GONE….. What do I do now. I’m tired of it all, but it’s going to be alright!
When does it stop, when is my time up? I’ve paid my dues for this injury. I’ve busted my tail, worked harder and have been more determined to conquer this than anything else I’ve ever done before in my life. When does it end? I guess it will when I end. As much as I’ve bent over backwards my whole life to help people and literally given the shirt off my back and my last few bucks to make sure they made it through! Only to have this life handed to me. I’m tired of it all but it’s going to be alright.
What lesson am I to obtain out of this? Where’s my finish line? Is there a finish line? Where’s my success story like the others I see with issues similiar to mine that have recovered in half the time. They’re in front of crowds and in busy places with no issues. I’m tired of it all but it’s going to be alright!
How’s is this a way to live? How is this fair to my wife and kids. “Daddy I have this at school, can you come?” I can’t baby I’m sorry! Honey do you want to go here with me? No…i can’t! What little I am able to get out, the places have to be all but abandoned from crowds. So 90 percent of the time I sit at home alone all day. Some think, “man I’d love to sit at home all day!” TRY IT! You can’t cook alone. You can’t shower alone. You can’t even get on the lawnmower and cut your grass anymore because of the seizures and other issues. You can’t even do manual labor because of the fatigue it puts on you and you suffer for days from it. Even when a friend takes you out to enjoy a hobby you use to love, you still struggle for days to regain full strength from the physical and mental fatigue.
So yeah, tell me its been over a year again and I should be better now. Tell me I look great now and that nothing should be wrong with me. Tell me all this while you watch with your own eyes while I’m taking 2 pills in the morning and 6 at night. Then show me your medical degree that makes you a professional in this field of work that backs up your statements. Oh, you don’t have one?
This isn’t life, this isn’t okay. I’m tired of forcing a smile when I’m falling apart inside. I want to break free from it but I can’t. I’m bound and chained inside my own body.
I’m tired of it all but it’s going to be alright, One day………….