The TBI journey over the past few years have been just as tough mentally as they have physically. From having to relearn how to do certain things all over again a specific way, (to still make mistakes ), to struggling with weight due to meds, insomnia, fatigue and lack of motivation. Some days you feel like a caged animal ready to bust out of the gate and live life like once before your injury. Simple things like wanting to jump in your vehicle and just drive, or wanting to just have what you consider a normal day. Many days ,I know, I’ve secluded myself in that same cage and made sure that the gate was locked. This is my sanctuary, my danger free zone. To feel safe from the outside world and not bother a soul.
Never in my life would I have thought that an injury, that caused a bleed in the Pons of my brain, could be such a life changing event. Something, smaller than a garden pea, take someone who was in great shape, energetic, the life of the party, and turn their entire life upside down with many issues and being dependent upon others.
A hard pill to swallow for me is trying to see the whole picture. It’s easy to see what lies ahead for some. However, I can’t even make plans for some things due to not knowing how I’ll be mentally or physically. I want to get out, I want to socialize, I want to be able to jump in my truck and go! It is hard when you want to do so many things that you took for granted pre injury, that now post injury you can’t do.
Doctors, Appointments, and Meds are life now. For how long? I couldn’t tell you. Diagnoses and problems that keep you from being who you want to be are the norm. Patience is not one of my strong points and with this I have no choice. I’m ready to get out of this lifestyle. I’m ready to know “what’s the next move?” Through it all, I put on a smile, I put on this mask of who I think I should be, knowing it is not me. Stay positive even when it is killing me inside. I have a great family and support system but now it feels like these battles and pain are all I have now. I just have to give it some more time.
I feel like, I’m as good as I’m going to get, without being the person I was before. I’m able to cope with and have the hope that even though things aren’t the way I like now, that it will not be like this forever and I’ll be okay again one day. I just take it in stride day after day and can only work towards being the man I was once before.
I know in life you cant expect things to be handed to you. You have to work and work hard for things in life. Be it material or personal goals. The only person that will get behind you and push you is yourself. I’m ready to close this chapter of my life and put this book back on the shelf. I can only hope for greater things….