Your smile has began to crack and the hurt is beginning to show through. The facade you’ve displayed for so long is starting to crumble. The pain and tears wrapped in fear that you’ve so desperately fought to conquer, are now starting to resurface. The mirror is becoming your enemy again. You look in it to comb through your hair and brush your teeth, but somewhere in the process you stare deep into the eyes of the person looking back at you. There’s no light, no hope and no care in the eyes that once shined.
The confusion and aggravation have started to arise and boil over again. You can only reflect on the progress and positive strides you’ve made to encourage yourself. Then you think of how much time and patience it took for that to happen and it becomes a burden. Social life is starting to become a hardship again. Why is this happening now, after all the progress made. Symptoms and Diagnoses have reared their head back up saying “remember us, we’re still here!” You can try to fool and medicate yourself to think we’re under control but we’ll keep eating you up inside while people see your fake smile. They don’t see when you’re in conversation with more than one person, you simply nod and express interest but have lost train of thought and you aren’t sure what’s being talked about anymore.
Darkness is trying close back in around you while everything seems to be bright and vibrant. You have your moments of fun and activities but even in the middle of them you want to be done. Fatigue rattles your life constantly, physically and mentally. Maybe you’re in a slump. You don’t care if anyone is near to help or talk with you. You’re an empty shell. A hallowed out human being that’s empty inside. Some days are great and you’re full of joy and happiness and some days it seems that life has literally drained out of the bottom of your feet into the dirt. You feel like locking yourself in your bedroom to be away from the outside world, until you’re ready to venture back out.
What’s hard is, Life doesn’t stop and neither can you. You have to deal with the pain, deal with the confusion, deal with the memory issues, deal with people looking at you patiently or frustrated while you speak to them. You have to deal with the lights, noise and hypersensitivity around you. It doesn’t get easier but it will get better. I’m speaking from life experiences and current undertaking of the same issues. The days where depression sinks in I can’t fight it but I can’t stay submerged in it either. It’s hard, believe me I know. You’ve gone through something that has truly made a lifestyle change. You didn’t ask for it, but it happened.
I’m halfway trying to encourage myself and others in this post. It’s almost as if this is a vent post for me. If that makes sense. Sometimes I just write and get things out on paper or on my post to help me. Sometimes it helps others and that’s great but writing out how I’m feeling is just as beneficial for me as it is for someone else to see that they’re not going through their problems alone. All I can say to you, as well as myself, never give up you’re worth fighting for and one day you will beat these demons!